By Simone Justice
If you are fortunate enough to be granted an audience with a professional dominatrix, be sure to follow my advice:
DON’T – Arrive Unprepared:
* Carry out any assignments that she has given to you, with exacting precision.
* Take care not to arrive hungry, tired, frazzled or in a bad mood. Eat, rest, clear your mind, and take a few moments to compose yourself beforehand. Also, allowing time after the session is wise. You may need time to wind down or you might want to extend the session or your session might start late.
* The importance of cleanliness cannot be overemphasized! So I have to be graphic and specific on this point. Take a shower and shampoo your hair if not immediately before your appointment, then at least in the morning. Some dominatrices will let you shower or freshen up at their studio if you arrange to arrive early for that purpose. And wash your privates thoroughly, front and back, after every visit to the restroom (carry wetwipes if washing is inconvenient). Use an antiperspirant not just a deodorant. Don’t eat a garlic-rich meal or raw onions for a day beforehand. Brush and floss your teeth and use mints or even better MintAsure. Wear clean clothes, especially clean underwear and socks. Don’t wear cologne or aftershave. Do not omit any of these hygiene precautions.
DO – Bring The Essentials:
* Give her a resume detailing your interests, experience level, and limits.
* Never bring a long detailed script of your fantasy, let the Mistress add her own elements.
* An offering such as flowers, a card, wine, candles, or a small BDSM toy shows respect.
* Have exact change. Extra cash for a tip or extending your session is smart to bring.
* Many ProDommes take credit cards but be sure to inquire ahead of time.
DON’T – Make A Bad First Impression:
* Be on time. Early is just as wrong as late.
* Set the tone for the session from the beginning with politeness and obedience.
* If a receptionist answers the door or the dominatrix greets you in her street clothes, don’t be thrown off, understand that your session hasn’t yet begun.
* Discretion is paramount. Don’t address her as “Mistress” in public. Don’t kneel outside her door or say or do anything else obvious to tip off the neighbors.
* Experienced clients expect to wait for dominatrices, be very patient.
DO – Make A Good Start:
* Take care of the payment immediately. Do not let her ask you for it.
* Pressing her to agree to illegal activities such as pegging, anal play, or any penetration at all – even sucking on a dildo, piercing, medical play or toilet training is foolish and risky because she will need to protect herself, even if she does actually offer those activities. Pushiness on these points is a sure path to banishment.
* Let her ask questions and gather information first, then be sure to speak up about your hopes for the scene.
* Don’t expect special activities such as body worship. Privileges must be earned.
* Overstating your experience or limits will not impress her; she’ll find out and be annoyed.
* And most importantly don’t say something like “you can do anything with me” or “whatever you want” because an experienced dominatrix will then satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Remember, her idea of extreme is something that she doesn’t get to do often even though she has played long hours daily, for years. Don’t tempt a highly experienced player to go extreme on you!
DON’T – Expect Or Even Ask For, Nudity Or Sex:
* Unless she advertises such activities…She won’t be taking off her clothes, or letting you kiss intimate body parts. She won’t do anything that ends with -job. Find those services elsewhere (or try a dominatrix outside the U.S.).
* There will be no sex of any kind, at all, ever. None. Never.
DON’T – Ruin The Session:
* Immediately do what you are told, without hesitation.
* Go ahead and make noises, it is quite entertaining, but never scream or cry out loudly without express allowance. Dominatrices have ears.
* Speak up if you are pushed beyond your limits or not enjoying yourself – an experienced Mistress will appreciate the input without being threatened.
* No touching without permission. Not even a slight brush of the shoulder, certainly not a handshake, kiss on the hand or a hug. Consider yourself warned that it is dangerous to touch a dominatrix. Seriously.
* Don’t make inappropriate remarks or suggestions such as going out on a date, and don’t ask personal questions – remember your place….you are not her peer.
* Have realistic expectations. Know that the session will not perfectly match your fantasies, but if you are open to her, you might find she can change your fantasies, because a skilful dominatrix will mould clients to fit her own predilections, over time.
DO – Be The Perfect submissive:
* Give up your power. That is what you are there for, right?
* Trust her to remember your requests. Don’t interrupt asking if she will do X or Y. Let her run the session, that is her job.
* Get down on your hands and knees before her.
* Keep your eyes downcast.
* Always address her as “Mistress”, “Goddess” or whatever title she uses. If you don’t know, ask her how she prefers to be addressed.
* Ask for permission before speaking. Say “Mistress, may I speak?”
* Enthusiastically kiss her boot or whatever else she presents for you to worship.
* Crawling is the only acceptable form of locomotion.
* Stay aware of your own limits during play. Don’t try to impress by surpassing your limits, instead, stand out by helping her to learn your boundaries. A qualified ProDomme will want to use this information to train you.
* Monitor your circulation during bondage to prevent nerve damage. If your extremities tingle, go numb or feel cold – let her know.
* Tell her if you feel faint or woozy. Experienced dominatrices will leave time at the end of an intense session and use techniques to bring you back physically, emotionally and mentally before you leave. Aftercare is an important responsibility that all skilled dominants take seriously.
* Let her know if you are too high on endorphins to safely leave, she will understand and help you. Listen if she decides you are not safe to walk out or drive, she can tell better than you can whether you are back to your normal functioning ability. Dominants never let subs drive drunk.
* Thank her for anything and everything she does.
DO – Get Invited Back:
* It is best to wait to formulate your impression of the session…you may like it better after a few days. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, disliked during, and relished afterwards. That is sometimes a part of masochism – doing things that you don’t like. Therefore, don’t ruin your chances of returning by moping at the end of the session.
* Help her to clean up, disinfect and put away toys then offer to take the trash with you and put it in the dumpster on the way out.
* After a session you will feel so wonderful that you could easily float out the door so be sure to demonstrate your gratitude before you leave, tell her how great the session was and that you hope to see her again.
* Better yet, book the next session now. Fantastic ProDommes are often booked long ahead of time..
* If she works in a house of domination, tip her. She only gets a percentage of the full fee.
* Tipping an independent dominatrix or the HeadMistress of a house is not necessary. However, if the play was amazing, go ahead, in that circumstance, a tip is quite special and will show her how much you really liked the session.
* Understand that she may have another client waiting so don’t hang around gabbing; she doesn’t want to have to tell you about her next client.
* Contact her later with a brief email that tells what you liked about the session and that you hope she will permit you to serve her again.
Of course, these are all simply suggestions, each ProDomme has her own preferences but any professional dominatrix (or any Dominant, for that matter) will certainly be glad to further train a submissive who shows promise by following these protocols.
This article was first published in 2001, in the now out-of-print magazine American Dommes.